rubba pubba

This is a phrase from a Frank Sinatra tune that we like to say when things are getting SPICEEEEY!

Anyways, a new family game is "Lifetime Television" which has replaced "Witness Protection Program." How you play is you stare at strangers until you see one who has that "victim" look -- she's oh, say, about 38 and has a few kids, or just one with an EXTRA SPECIAL personality. And of course, she's single. She could be a widow with fond mems of the ol' hubby, etc., or a divorcee (ooh! That tingles! I'm suddenly five years old and my mother is kaffe klatching with her friends about "what Maisie knew" and it's a bit of a dirty secret -- D.I.V.O.R.C.E.) So, irregardless, the gal with the "victim" look is either a merry widow (with a bra to match?) or an embattled divorcenik. If divorced, the ex is probably a rich and arrogant "businessman" who is trying to get custody of the kids by trashing the rep of the mom, or, he's a redneck construction worker with a stringy greasy ponytail, a truck, a lotta skeezy friends, a cabin where he headquarters seasonal roadkill shoots, etc. And this one is also after the kids but not because he's got issues about the (now) working class mother, but because he "owns them kids" and the ex, too, as it turns out. He's. not. a. nice. guy. And eventually it comes to a showdown where he's plotting, then moving toward concretion of plans, to kill the ex-Mrs. Except for, aha! she's got an old college friend who returns to town. Really, it's one of her single days ex-boyfriends and they ended it amicably, and perhaps even over a misunderstanding orchestrated by their scheming ambitious parents. He then went off to Iowa or somewhere godawful in the middle of America while she attend Community College in the hometown. He's now a middle manager or start up professional, an engineer or something arcane and harmless requiring a pocket protector (which in Lifetime Code is an indicator of seriousness and sincerity.) He's a bit of a stalker himself, but the good kind. He checks out her house in the wee hours because he's still in love with her, and because he's noticed some violations of the building code he wants to write in his pocket notebook.

So, now it's about an hour and a half since the beginning of the "Family Lifetime" movie game, and about 6-8 days into the plot. Our victim is tied up in the basement, or handcuffed in the trunk of a car, or locked in the cabin outhouse (if her ex is the ponytail dude) and for about ten commercials, we are treated to short shots of her biting on her ropes or jiggling the lock helplessly. Meanwhile College Friend is stalking her house and has noticed that her garage is unlocked and the car is missing. For 2 days!!!!! And Heatherette, the daughter who goes to a special school for kids with ESP or kids with extra limbs or kids with a lot of accessories relating to kittens, is wandering around on her own (for 2 days!!!) forced to eat peanut butter sandwiches and takeout because NOW SHE HAS NO MOTHER!!!! Well, Heatherette has just about had it with this loser existence and she goes out to meet her friends at the mall (but wait! isn't it after 9:00 p.m. as shown by a quick pan to the kitchen clock?) And, while walking to the mall, a very sleazy homeless person who is reeling drunk crash-walks right into Heatherette! College Friend is man-on-the-spot and lands a good one on Homeless Guy's jaw, telling him to "Stay away from her and don't come back unless you want some more!" thereby winning Heatherette's emotional gushing in his direction. Improbably, she hugs him and gets into his car. However, we know he's not a predator, but a nice guy, because even at this late hour, he's still wearing his pocket protector! She weepingly confesses that she hasn't seen or heard from her mother for two days and is worried sick over it. Ever so quickly, College Friend gets her to tell him where the father's secret hideout is, because it goes without saying that the father is the culprit. Rush Rush Rush, fisticuffs, gunfire, stuffed squirrels flying everywhere around the cabin and mom is saved! Also she confesses that College Friend is Heatherette's real father, not the pathetic corpse lying on the floor of the cabin. Cut to one year later: mom, college friend and Heatherette on vacation in the Bahamas yukking it up on the beach. The End.